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Derrek Lee: Goats.

July 21, 2010 Leave a comment

Derrek Lee, the only man on the planet who’s name is spelled “Derrek”, has been horrendous this year.  Yeah, his slugging percentage is actually worse than Jiminy Cricket (see a few posts below.)

We could point it to his broken wrist from a few years back, but Lee had a phenomenal last year and was decent in 07-08′.  It has to be something else.

Old age? Maybe.  Lee does turn 35 in September, but it’s hard to imagine such a drop-off immediately.

It really boils down to what happened on that April off day when Lee took his children to the Lincoln Park Zoo.  On that very day he happened to touch the great-great-great-great-great grandson of Billy Sianis’ famous billy goat that has cursed the Cubs since 1945.

Yo, maybe if you drop that extra “r” from your name you’ll reverse the curse.  “Derek” just looks classier.  I’ll even settle for “Derrick”.

Categories: MLB

Jayson Werth: Utley-Werth Square.

July 19, 2010 Leave a comment

Okay, we know you’ve heard the rumors regarding Jayson Werth and Chase Utley’s wife/possible ex-wife Jenna Utley.  Werth apparently gave Jenna a beard ride and Werth has been shit ever since.

I’m sure most of you in the Philadelphia area knows that Chase is a womanizer.  I mean why wouldn’t  he, he is friggen Chase Utley.  God among men, but anyway I assume Jenna got tired of it.  So prior to sleeping with Werth, I am sure the Utleys had a conversation like this:

Jenna: If there was anyone on the team you’d at least like me to have sex with who would it be?

Chase: Easy.  Jayson.  Dude looks like that retarded WWF, sorry WWE, wrestler.  Plus, he’s really lanky so it’d just be weird.

Jenna: Okay, I’m going to fuck him because you cheat on me.

Chase: Okay, well then.  I’m going to fuck Jayson’s mom.

Bam.  The Square has been filled in.  Jayson Werth is slumping because Chase Utley banged his mom.   Wouldn’t you?

Categories: MLB Tags: ,

Aaron Hill: Really just the actor.

July 15, 2010 Leave a comment

Aaron Hill makes $4 million a year and lives in Canada.  $4 million US too, so it is really like $400 million Canadian.  So while he’s living the high life with his clean lakes and free health care in Canada, he has hired tv/one or two scene actor, Aaron Hill, to take his place.

Too bad the also, California-born, actor is struggling at the plate in his best role of his career.  His OPS is a whopping .631.  Hill, trying to strike big, seems to be swinging for the fences during every at-bat.  It is a Toronto thing, see Jose Bautista.

By the way, the real Aaron Hill (well they’re both, but the baseball player) lost 8 pounds recently from an illness.  Yes people, it was diarrhea.  I know gross, but at least he got free medicine for it!

Categories: MLB Tags:

Rauuuuuuul Ibanez: He doesn’t suck just because he’s old.

July 15, 2010 1 comment

What the fuck is up with Raul Ibanez, Phillies’ fans?  I-slow-ez has a slugging percentage at roughly .397.  Folks, that is lower than former Phillies’ pitcher, Brett Myers’ blood alcohol level.

So what is the problem with old ass Raul?  Mid-life crisis?  Injuries? Regaining the form he had for the first 10 years of his career?  Baseball stat heads will tell you that it is his timing that is off.  I will tell you that he is pissed off that Disney turned him down for the job of Jiminy Cricket after he retires.  Why? When he was asked about any prior criminal acts, he wrote down “Stealing money from the Phillies since June 2009.”

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Roger Federer: Can’t find his Forehand in Swiss Cheese.

July 10, 2010 Leave a comment

Swiss tennis star, Roger Federer will tell you he had mononucleosis.  However, dude never went to the doctor.  Then, he said it was because he wasn’t playing in enough matches (cause he kept losing.)

Do you believe any of that?  Not me.  The reality of it is that his wife Mirka gave him some moldy Swiss Cheese.  It has plagued him since after the Australian Open.

Categories: Tennis Tags:

Fernando Torres: Secret Relationship with Ronaldo?

July 10, 2010 Leave a comment

You’re a Spanish fan.  You’re wondering why whenever Fernando Torres is in the lineup, the team looks awful and has virtually no scoring chances.  Well, apparently, he has his panties all up in a bunch after hearing the news Cristiano Ronaldo has had a child…with a girl.  I know Soccer World, shocking.

Apparently, it has been shocking enough to take Fernando’s mind out of the game.

…And he sees this picture whenever he logs on to the internet.

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Joe Blanton: Bam-Bam wants Earlier Dinner

July 10, 2010 Leave a comment

Joe Blanton, (pictured in A’s apparel), has been the worst starting pitcher in major league baseball this season.  You’re asking yourself, why?  Well, Joe Blanton was rewarded with a 3 year, $24 million deal for being a below average pitcher.

The answer is easy.  Philadelphia + $8 million per year = Lots of cheese steaks, pork roll, and scrapple.  Confused? Joe Blanton pitches so poorly, so he can hit up all the food spots in Philadelphia…in a night.  Yes, Blanton just combines Dinner and Breakfast.  He calls it Dikfast (pronounced ‘dickfast’).  Phillies fans call him “Boooooooo.”

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